I'm Joanna Calire Fisher
or am I Jade Katharine
Daughter of Marge and Ken Fisher
or am I daughter of Stacey and Steven
Big sister to John, Jackie and Jimmy
or am I an only child?
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Sunday, November 26, 2006
On Reunion
The journey through reunion is not unlike traveling to a foreign country where one doesn't speak the language or know the customs.
Immersion into a new culture presents adjustments to climate, food,
clothes, mannerisms and social rules.
The experience carries imagined "should haves" that are markedly different from the often awkward reality.
Reunions hold the possibility of joy, hope and healing.
These expectations and their resulting grief, however, can lead to
misunderstanding, hurt and confusion.
Each person must learn to adapt to the other's–as well as their own—perplexing, vacillating emotional changes.
Each person must rise to the challenge of bridging the lost years as well as possible. We are severed from—but profoundly bonded to--each other.
We come together as "Familiar Strangers."
Familiar in many ways because of the inherent genetic traits that are expressed in
physical and emotional mannerisms and thoughts and actions.
Unfamiliar in as many ways because each person has survived the sudden, abrupt truncation of a primary relationship.
Each has developed different coping styles within the context of their own unique life path.
What happens? Why and How Can we Overcome the Challenges?
Traveling between the familiar and the unfamiliar requires resilience because the traveler will experience the roller coaster effects of elation/deflation as pent up emotions and years of buried grief and anger begin to spew forth. It is important to recognize that reunio is an intensely emotional, highly complex and unique phenomenon.
Emotions are energy in motion, they are the tools of growth and serve to warn, protect and teach us about ourselves and the presenting situation/relations hip.
What happens when these worlds converge?
One must learn to read between the lines.
Be an observer of subtle cues, allow the other person to move at her/his own pace, put aside needs and expectations and "musts" for the reality of what it is.
We need to develop an understanding and appreciation of one another's cultural and
lifestyle differences.
Reunion emotions are high and conflicting feelings such as: joy,
sorrow, anxiety, impatience, fear, anger and bewilderment.
The person entering into a reunion is shifting gears from being a searcher with
some measure of control, to a totally unknown situation, craving
acceptance but anticipating rejection.
The seat of the power now shifts to the contacted party.
The searcher now must transition from the fantasies that filled the years of void and longing to stark reality.
Search is usually initiated by a strong internal drive to resolve the
original issue of separation and loss (adoption).
One thirsts to resolve unanswered questions. The emotional pressure to come full
circle sustains what is often an arduous journey.
The searcher's momentum increases as information is gathered.
The emotional pressure to connect continues to escalate, while other life routine issues and obligations may be neglected because the searcher's focused journey is
toward the truth, and he or she is expending a lot of emotional energy
defending the need to search.
The searcher is not unlike a truck traveling 90 m.p.h..
The person who is found and who has not yet moved toward undertaking the search
is taken by surprise and does not have this momentum.
When these two different energies meet an emotional collision occurs.
The searcher can barely slow down, while the person found can barely gasp for air,
for the wind has been knocked out of them.
They need time to adjust and may have concerns about the meaning behind the contact.
There may be stress regarding the implications of meeting and forming this new
relationship.
Each party is bewildered by the other's actions.
Each has different needs.
One may be well versed in adoption issues with adoption, having support group exposure, ~while the other may not have even begun to contemplate adoption and reunion issues.
Both parties have set their roles, rules and emotional commitments to others in their lives.
So many feelings flood forward, there may be bouts of crying or free-floating anger as these feelings flood forth.
There is chaos and confusion.
How can one be filled with such joy, anger, sadness, frustration, indifference, disappointment, fear and elation simultaneously?
Our identities are challenged.
We will NEVER be the same as we were before contact.
Issues of loyalty to respective primary relationships may impede the ability to enfold the other party.
One's previous history of loss, coping skills, ability to identify and verbalize
feelings, and capacity to mourn affect the person's ability to
empathize and relate to one another.
Perception about the adoption experience -- shame/openness, conditions during the pregnancy, success of integrating the adoption experience, issues of inadequacy -- all impact the manner in which the reunion may unfold.
It is a process that often leaves those involved bewildered and exhausted.
Unanswered Questions... Possible Challenges
Who knows the story?
Does the reality match one's previously held beliefs?
Who sets the pace?
What are the expectations?
What are the family rules, social rules-- i.e. holidays, gifts,
telephone calls, letters, e-mails?
How does one sign off correspondence?
Will previous relationships dissolve?
How does each person identify the other?
How does one handle social instructions?
What type of relationship is desired: casual, nurturing, answers only, close?
How much emotional support does each person have?
Are we open and respectful and non-judgmental of each other's needs?
Will either birth parent be hurt if there is communication with the
other birthparent?
Will the adopted person want to merge their dual family connections or
keep them separate?
Will the birthparent desire acceptance by the adoptive parents?
Will the adoptive parents want to embrace the birthparent or request that the adopted person not discuss the reunion?
Will the birthparent' s family welcome the adopted person or will
rivalries surface?
Can we let go of the fantasy of the reunion for the reality of a real
relationship with a real person, flaws and all?
Does one try to bridge the two different worlds?
Does one become emotionally exhausted trying to travel through these
worlds separately?
What happens if well-intended or misguided family, significant others,
or friends attempt to steer the relationship?
What about "genetic attraction"?
Has the birthmother/ father shared the existence of their child with
family?
Has the adopted person shared the search and contact with her/his
adoptive parents?
Does anyone have to "lead a double life" by keeping this reunion
separate from other primary relationship! How does one deal with still
being "a secret"?
How do life changing events (i.e. marriage, divorce, childbirth,
death) impact one's ability to incorporate this new relationship?
How do physical or emotional health problems influence reunion?
Possible Phases of Post Reunion Relationships
"Falling In Love"
This is similar to a dating experience, when everything is running
smoothly, energy is high, similarities are highlighted. Each party
puts out a lot of effort, there can be a lot of sharing pictures,
stories, exchanging gifts. Each party is open to accommodating the
other's needs.
"Pull Back Phase"
The momentum of the relationship changes as one or both individuals
may step back; one or both individuals may become confused, angry,
frustrated, nervous, depressed. Problems may develop because of mixed
messages or misread signals.
"Establishing Boundaries"
The relationship may be reassessed,. There may be need for ground
rules. Both parties fear rejection by the other. One or both parties
may be involved in a push-pull relationship driven by the need to
connect, but governed by the fear of becoming too close (only to
lose the person again).
"The Relationship Dwindles"
One or both parties shut off communication. This may bring
excruciating pain to one or both individuals. This may occur because
one--or neither-- party is flexible or because pressure from the other
primary relationships have created too much anxiety.
"Acceptance of the Relationship"
Both parties are willing to commit to the relationship, issues still
need to be resolved, reality overrides fantasy and unmet expectations,
each party is willing to grow.
REUNION SURVIVAL RECOMMENDATIONS
*The other person cannot heal you! Reunion is a healing process that
takes time, patience and a lot of effort.
*The reactions you see, hear, and experience can say a great deal
about the other person's level of development, emotional makeup and
coping skills. These reactions ARE NOT about you. Try not to take them
personally.
*Develop and seek emotional support OUTSIDE of ANY primary
relationship. It is very difficult to receive objective advice from
persons who have specific role expectations of you.
*Each person has her/his own pace.... Respect the differences.
*There is no right or wrong way you must recognize and follow the cues.
*Seek out other adoptees or birthparents impressions when you get stuck.
*All relationships evolve over time.... Your Reunion Mantra should be
"We have the rest of our lives to resolve this."
*Remember "E=mc2": for every action there is an equal and opposite
reaction. If you push too hard the other party will resist with equal
strength.
*Flexibility is the key.
*Honor your psyche's need to grieve, seek appropriate therapy with
someone who is familiar with post adoption/reunion issues, or educate
your therapist if you are comfortable with her/him.
*Don't panic ... take deep breaths.
*Don't act impulsively or out of fear or anger.... Most of us
unintentionally hurt each other when coming from this place.,
Remember your reunion mantra.
*Get reality checks from a trusted confidant.
*Don't stifle your feelings! That's what you've done for years and
that's when we snap and say or do things we usually later regret.
*Perhaps try your feelings out with several people who are experienced
with these issues first
*Let go; let the flow take its natural course...
*It's natural to grieve losses; honor your passage.
*Please remember...REUNION CAN BE BOTH DIFFICULT AND ECSTATIC AT THE
SAME TIME. BRACE YOURSELF FOR A FLOOD OF EMOTIONS. TRY TO ENJOY THE
JOURNEY SELF DISCOVERY AND HEALING. "WE HAVE THE REST OF OUR LIVES TO
RESOLVE THIS.
Immersion into a new culture presents adjustments to climate, food,
clothes, mannerisms and social rules.
The experience carries imagined "should haves" that are markedly different from the often awkward reality.
Reunions hold the possibility of joy, hope and healing.
These expectations and their resulting grief, however, can lead to
misunderstanding, hurt and confusion.
Each person must learn to adapt to the other's–as well as their own—perplexing, vacillating emotional changes.
Each person must rise to the challenge of bridging the lost years as well as possible. We are severed from—but profoundly bonded to--each other.
We come together as "Familiar Strangers."
Familiar in many ways because of the inherent genetic traits that are expressed in
physical and emotional mannerisms and thoughts and actions.
Unfamiliar in as many ways because each person has survived the sudden, abrupt truncation of a primary relationship.
Each has developed different coping styles within the context of their own unique life path.
What happens? Why and How Can we Overcome the Challenges?
Traveling between the familiar and the unfamiliar requires resilience because the traveler will experience the roller coaster effects of elation/deflation as pent up emotions and years of buried grief and anger begin to spew forth. It is important to recognize that reunio is an intensely emotional, highly complex and unique phenomenon.
Emotions are energy in motion, they are the tools of growth and serve to warn, protect and teach us about ourselves and the presenting situation/relations hip.
What happens when these worlds converge?
One must learn to read between the lines.
Be an observer of subtle cues, allow the other person to move at her/his own pace, put aside needs and expectations and "musts" for the reality of what it is.
We need to develop an understanding and appreciation of one another's cultural and
lifestyle differences.
Reunion emotions are high and conflicting feelings such as: joy,
sorrow, anxiety, impatience, fear, anger and bewilderment.
The person entering into a reunion is shifting gears from being a searcher with
some measure of control, to a totally unknown situation, craving
acceptance but anticipating rejection.
The seat of the power now shifts to the contacted party.
The searcher now must transition from the fantasies that filled the years of void and longing to stark reality.
Search is usually initiated by a strong internal drive to resolve the
original issue of separation and loss (adoption).
One thirsts to resolve unanswered questions. The emotional pressure to come full
circle sustains what is often an arduous journey.
The searcher's momentum increases as information is gathered.
The emotional pressure to connect continues to escalate, while other life routine issues and obligations may be neglected because the searcher's focused journey is
toward the truth, and he or she is expending a lot of emotional energy
defending the need to search.
The searcher is not unlike a truck traveling 90 m.p.h..
The person who is found and who has not yet moved toward undertaking the search
is taken by surprise and does not have this momentum.
When these two different energies meet an emotional collision occurs.
The searcher can barely slow down, while the person found can barely gasp for air,
for the wind has been knocked out of them.
They need time to adjust and may have concerns about the meaning behind the contact.
There may be stress regarding the implications of meeting and forming this new
relationship.
Each party is bewildered by the other's actions.
Each has different needs.
One may be well versed in adoption issues with adoption, having support group exposure, ~while the other may not have even begun to contemplate adoption and reunion issues.
Both parties have set their roles, rules and emotional commitments to others in their lives.
So many feelings flood forward, there may be bouts of crying or free-floating anger as these feelings flood forth.
There is chaos and confusion.
How can one be filled with such joy, anger, sadness, frustration, indifference, disappointment, fear and elation simultaneously?
Our identities are challenged.
We will NEVER be the same as we were before contact.
Issues of loyalty to respective primary relationships may impede the ability to enfold the other party.
One's previous history of loss, coping skills, ability to identify and verbalize
feelings, and capacity to mourn affect the person's ability to
empathize and relate to one another.
Perception about the adoption experience -- shame/openness, conditions during the pregnancy, success of integrating the adoption experience, issues of inadequacy -- all impact the manner in which the reunion may unfold.
It is a process that often leaves those involved bewildered and exhausted.
Unanswered Questions... Possible Challenges
Who knows the story?
Does the reality match one's previously held beliefs?
Who sets the pace?
What are the expectations?
What are the family rules, social rules-- i.e. holidays, gifts,
telephone calls, letters, e-mails?
How does one sign off correspondence?
Will previous relationships dissolve?
How does each person identify the other?
How does one handle social instructions?
What type of relationship is desired: casual, nurturing, answers only, close?
How much emotional support does each person have?
Are we open and respectful and non-judgmental of each other's needs?
Will either birth parent be hurt if there is communication with the
other birthparent?
Will the adopted person want to merge their dual family connections or
keep them separate?
Will the birthparent desire acceptance by the adoptive parents?
Will the adoptive parents want to embrace the birthparent or request that the adopted person not discuss the reunion?
Will the birthparent' s family welcome the adopted person or will
rivalries surface?
Can we let go of the fantasy of the reunion for the reality of a real
relationship with a real person, flaws and all?
Does one try to bridge the two different worlds?
Does one become emotionally exhausted trying to travel through these
worlds separately?
What happens if well-intended or misguided family, significant others,
or friends attempt to steer the relationship?
What about "genetic attraction"?
Has the birthmother/ father shared the existence of their child with
family?
Has the adopted person shared the search and contact with her/his
adoptive parents?
Does anyone have to "lead a double life" by keeping this reunion
separate from other primary relationship! How does one deal with still
being "a secret"?
How do life changing events (i.e. marriage, divorce, childbirth,
death) impact one's ability to incorporate this new relationship?
How do physical or emotional health problems influence reunion?
Possible Phases of Post Reunion Relationships
"Falling In Love"
This is similar to a dating experience, when everything is running
smoothly, energy is high, similarities are highlighted. Each party
puts out a lot of effort, there can be a lot of sharing pictures,
stories, exchanging gifts. Each party is open to accommodating the
other's needs.
"Pull Back Phase"
The momentum of the relationship changes as one or both individuals
may step back; one or both individuals may become confused, angry,
frustrated, nervous, depressed. Problems may develop because of mixed
messages or misread signals.
"Establishing Boundaries"
The relationship may be reassessed,. There may be need for ground
rules. Both parties fear rejection by the other. One or both parties
may be involved in a push-pull relationship driven by the need to
connect, but governed by the fear of becoming too close (only to
lose the person again).
"The Relationship Dwindles"
One or both parties shut off communication. This may bring
excruciating pain to one or both individuals. This may occur because
one--or neither-- party is flexible or because pressure from the other
primary relationships have created too much anxiety.
"Acceptance of the Relationship"
Both parties are willing to commit to the relationship, issues still
need to be resolved, reality overrides fantasy and unmet expectations,
each party is willing to grow.
REUNION SURVIVAL RECOMMENDATIONS
*The other person cannot heal you! Reunion is a healing process that
takes time, patience and a lot of effort.
*The reactions you see, hear, and experience can say a great deal
about the other person's level of development, emotional makeup and
coping skills. These reactions ARE NOT about you. Try not to take them
personally.
*Develop and seek emotional support OUTSIDE of ANY primary
relationship. It is very difficult to receive objective advice from
persons who have specific role expectations of you.
*Each person has her/his own pace.... Respect the differences.
*There is no right or wrong way you must recognize and follow the cues.
*Seek out other adoptees or birthparents impressions when you get stuck.
*All relationships evolve over time.... Your Reunion Mantra should be
"We have the rest of our lives to resolve this."
*Remember "E=mc2": for every action there is an equal and opposite
reaction. If you push too hard the other party will resist with equal
strength.
*Flexibility is the key.
*Honor your psyche's need to grieve, seek appropriate therapy with
someone who is familiar with post adoption/reunion issues, or educate
your therapist if you are comfortable with her/him.
*Don't panic ... take deep breaths.
*Don't act impulsively or out of fear or anger.... Most of us
unintentionally hurt each other when coming from this place.,
Remember your reunion mantra.
*Get reality checks from a trusted confidant.
*Don't stifle your feelings! That's what you've done for years and
that's when we snap and say or do things we usually later regret.
*Perhaps try your feelings out with several people who are experienced
with these issues first
*Let go; let the flow take its natural course...
*It's natural to grieve losses; honor your passage.
*Please remember...REUNION CAN BE BOTH DIFFICULT AND ECSTATIC AT THE
SAME TIME. BRACE YOURSELF FOR A FLOOD OF EMOTIONS. TRY TO ENJOY THE
JOURNEY SELF DISCOVERY AND HEALING. "WE HAVE THE REST OF OUR LIVES TO
RESOLVE THIS.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
how did it come to this? how did we get here?
I don't really know what's going on.
I understand that my heart beats because Stacey allowed it to.
I understand that since December 6th I have thought of nothing but meeting her face to face.
Since December 12th I have spent countless hours pouring over her letters and photographs. Studied my face in hers. Studied her handwriting. Her facial expressions.
I understand that my parents are severely threatened by this.
I had hoped with everything in me to take 3 days at the end of September - the end of my fall break - to visit her in Las Vegas. I hunted for the cheapest tickets. $285 was what I came up with. I figured my bank account could suffer the dent. These were extenuating circumstances. It's my mother. My flesh and blood for crying out loud. I called my mom to share with her the good news of such a cheap ticket, after she said she had already looked and saw that the lowest price was $600.
"Why? Why do you want to go to Las Vegas? What could you possibly have to do there? It's too expensive. You're doing too much. It's just too many things."
She's my BIRTH MOTHER.
"Your father won't go for this. This is not what he put that money in your account for."
Then let ME talk to HIM.
"NO. NO. Why do you want to go there anyway? How are you going to pay for it?"
She's my BIRTH MOTHER. I'll pay for it with the money in my account!
"I didn't put that money in your account so you could parade around Vegas for 3 days. That money is there for school. We just got you all that camera equipment. Do you think we're made of money? Do you have some sort of job your going to get this money from? Are you planning on coming home and working and scraping together $300 and then fly off to Vegas? You think we're going to let you do that? I don't understand why YOU'RE going THERE. Why doesn't SHE come HERE? What about her trip in July?"
It's August...
"Don't take that tone with me. I know it's August. Why didn't she show?"
I don't know, Dad, it's more complicated than you're giving it credit.
"There's nothing complicated about it. You need to focus on school, not prancing around Las Vegas with this woman. And I don't want you going alone."
I'd prefer to be alone.
"Well, I won't have it. Go do some homework."
Saturday, July 15, 2006
An Adoptee's Advice to Prospective Adoptive Parents
Hi mom, Hi dad! That's right, there but for time and space you could be my parents -- adoptive parents -- or birthparents. Birthparents and adoptive parents. B-Parents and A-Parents. Before parents and after parents. Before has no meaning without after, after has no meaning without before. Time and space. You cannot exist without each other. I couldn't find the words as a child. Now I have the words to advise you, tell you what it's like, tell you why I need to search, to help us resolve these issues before they become problems.
So imagine, I arrived in your home helpless; in need of your nurturing. Lets get the tough stuff over with first: you are the parent. I am not here to heal the pain of your infertility. You must resolve the emotional baggage of infertility before you decide to parent. Unresolved infertility may be a problem when adoptees become fruitful at puberty. Unresolved infertility, leaves the whole family grieving for the unrealized biological child; leaving me to feel second best.
Unresolved infertility puts adoptees in the difficult situation of trying to be the "perfect" answer to your infertility, while dealing with the "imperfect" reality of being given away.Tell me I'm adopted, or you risk a terrible breach of trust. I've seen men in their fifties destroyed when, at a parent's funeral, some relative spilled the beans. Talking about adoption will defuse its effect. I will ask more than once, reflecting different needs at different ages. So get information, meet my birthparents. Be honest but not critical, remember, I will incorporate your interpretation of my birthparents into my interpretation of myself.People will say I'm lucky to have been adopted by such wonderful people; who knows what my fate may have been if you hadn't taken me into your home! Note how this sets me up to be eternally grateful to you. It's easy to fall into parental martyr syndrome but you are not just parents -- you are adoptive parents. There but for time and space who knows, maybe another family would have suited me better. Asking for my gratitude puts us in opposition. Remind those who would have our relationship based on guilt that you too, are lucky to have found me.
Adoptees constantly wonder what could have been. My life is the luck of the draw. I spent my childhood thinking: these people could have been -- or could be -- my parents; this could have been my home; those could have been my toys; I could have had to wear that outfit!? One thing is not arbitrary I was born to someone.Adoptees believe in things we've never seen: birthparents in the guise of guardian angels, fairy changelings, and storks who deliver babies - how else did we get here? We've never heard the story of our quickening, our labor, our birth.
Adoptive parents compare themselves to birthparents, but adoptees compare themselves to the unrealized biological child. My parents told me they lost a child. I thought they went out and actually lost the child somewhere. I felt guilty because I thought if they found him, they might take me back, I didn't want that -- they were my family.
We adoptees refer to ourselves as "adaptees." My natural laugh is a barking sound but I tried to imitate my adoptive father's dry hissing laugh my whole life. I was thirty-seven when I learned the origin of my barking laugh. I was at a birthfamily reunion. My birthmother had not arrived yet. I laughed, the barking laugh, and the relatives gathered. They thought I was her.
Adoptees procrastinate, are pack rats, and aren't good decision makers. We don't have the facts about our lives, we don't know the significance of anything, so we put off until we get the facts.
Excuse me if I'm a little paranoid and indignant about secrecy, I am the product of sealed records. A commodity passed from one party to another with no say in the contract. The physician, and his staff; the attorneys, and their staffs, the hospital staff, the agencies, the staff at the court house where my adoption was filed, and, of course, the staffs guarding my sealed original birth certificate and records all know more about me than I know about myself.
Excuse me for being angry. The non adopted can get their original birth certificates. Mine is sealed from me. I must be satisfied with the falsified document registering who I was after my adoption: but I existed before that. The system makes me angry, but you mom and dad will bear the brunt of my anger, because you are the closest authority figures. What makes me angry is being treated differently because I'm adopted and the lack of control over these circumstances.
I promise you, about the time I reach puberty, I will say the dreaded words,"You are not my real parents." This is not anger. It is insecurity. With puberty comes the challenge of individuation. I must start rehearsing my independence. I'll hurt and insult you to see how much I can count on you to be there when the going gets rough. Convoluted? This is normal for teenagers, but intensified by the adoption experience. Remember, the ultimate achievement of parenting is obsolescence. Do you want me living at home at thirty?
Moses, Oedipus, King Arthur, the Ugly Duckling, Superman and Luke Skywalker all have something in common: they were all adopted. They are also some of our culture's major self realization archetypes: without the search there would have been no story. Society sends adoptees the message to search. There is no society on earth without religion. All of mankind is searching for the creator, isn't it natural adoptees would too?
I always wondered. Search is the adoptee's active part in the process of adoption. Usually it's the child bearing years, late twenties early thirties, when adoptees actively search. I may have an intense desire to know just before puberty. College years, late teens and early twenties I didn't want to search I was too busy separating from my adoptive parents, but if contacted let me make the decision. Please don't search for my birthparents unless I ask you to, or unless there are real problems you feel may have stemmed from my genetic history or an experience I had before I joined our family.
The search isn't about you; the search is not a search for parents. It has as much to do with you as my choice of spouse or career. It is a search for my life -- for my self. I want to know my story, who I look like, ethnic background, and medical history. To meet the creator. and say, "Look at me, I'm ok, I turned out all right, you made the right decision. "
The adoptive parents role in an adoptee's reunion? It is not to voice your insecurities over your ability to parent, your job is to be there for me. To give me the gift of trust. At one of the most intense moments of my life, it is unfair and selfish to play the wronged parent. What does it say about our relationship if I search after you die? The most consistent outcome of adoption reunion is the strengthening of the search supportive adoptive family.
Why be an adoptive parent? Because it makes a difference.
Children need homes and parents need children to create a family. Mothers teach how to fold towels, grandma's recipes, to play fair, and introduce us to literary classics; Dads, teach how to drive, to handle conflict, favorite ball teams, and the best political party. I'll sleep in your arms, play peek-a-boo, bring "I love you"drawings to put on the refrigerator, alarm you with my adolescent fashion sense, and ask for the car keys. Families never stop growing and learning from each other.
Understanding teaches courage; courage teaches stability; stability teaches trust; trust teaches acceptance; acceptance teaches love; and love makes the human heart elastic enough to make adoption less of a commodity transaction and more of an extension of family, and that is an adoptee's advice about good adoptive parenting.
What doesn't kill us, Makes us stronger.
Adoption Forum, Inc., PO Box 12502, Philadelphia, PA 19151Tel: 215-238-1116
Credits: Abigail Lovett
So imagine, I arrived in your home helpless; in need of your nurturing. Lets get the tough stuff over with first: you are the parent. I am not here to heal the pain of your infertility. You must resolve the emotional baggage of infertility before you decide to parent. Unresolved infertility may be a problem when adoptees become fruitful at puberty. Unresolved infertility, leaves the whole family grieving for the unrealized biological child; leaving me to feel second best.
Unresolved infertility puts adoptees in the difficult situation of trying to be the "perfect" answer to your infertility, while dealing with the "imperfect" reality of being given away.Tell me I'm adopted, or you risk a terrible breach of trust. I've seen men in their fifties destroyed when, at a parent's funeral, some relative spilled the beans. Talking about adoption will defuse its effect. I will ask more than once, reflecting different needs at different ages. So get information, meet my birthparents. Be honest but not critical, remember, I will incorporate your interpretation of my birthparents into my interpretation of myself.People will say I'm lucky to have been adopted by such wonderful people; who knows what my fate may have been if you hadn't taken me into your home! Note how this sets me up to be eternally grateful to you. It's easy to fall into parental martyr syndrome but you are not just parents -- you are adoptive parents. There but for time and space who knows, maybe another family would have suited me better. Asking for my gratitude puts us in opposition. Remind those who would have our relationship based on guilt that you too, are lucky to have found me.
Adoptees constantly wonder what could have been. My life is the luck of the draw. I spent my childhood thinking: these people could have been -- or could be -- my parents; this could have been my home; those could have been my toys; I could have had to wear that outfit!? One thing is not arbitrary I was born to someone.Adoptees believe in things we've never seen: birthparents in the guise of guardian angels, fairy changelings, and storks who deliver babies - how else did we get here? We've never heard the story of our quickening, our labor, our birth.
Adoptive parents compare themselves to birthparents, but adoptees compare themselves to the unrealized biological child. My parents told me they lost a child. I thought they went out and actually lost the child somewhere. I felt guilty because I thought if they found him, they might take me back, I didn't want that -- they were my family.
We adoptees refer to ourselves as "adaptees." My natural laugh is a barking sound but I tried to imitate my adoptive father's dry hissing laugh my whole life. I was thirty-seven when I learned the origin of my barking laugh. I was at a birthfamily reunion. My birthmother had not arrived yet. I laughed, the barking laugh, and the relatives gathered. They thought I was her.
Adoptees procrastinate, are pack rats, and aren't good decision makers. We don't have the facts about our lives, we don't know the significance of anything, so we put off until we get the facts.
Excuse me if I'm a little paranoid and indignant about secrecy, I am the product of sealed records. A commodity passed from one party to another with no say in the contract. The physician, and his staff; the attorneys, and their staffs, the hospital staff, the agencies, the staff at the court house where my adoption was filed, and, of course, the staffs guarding my sealed original birth certificate and records all know more about me than I know about myself.
Excuse me for being angry. The non adopted can get their original birth certificates. Mine is sealed from me. I must be satisfied with the falsified document registering who I was after my adoption: but I existed before that. The system makes me angry, but you mom and dad will bear the brunt of my anger, because you are the closest authority figures. What makes me angry is being treated differently because I'm adopted and the lack of control over these circumstances.
I promise you, about the time I reach puberty, I will say the dreaded words,"You are not my real parents." This is not anger. It is insecurity. With puberty comes the challenge of individuation. I must start rehearsing my independence. I'll hurt and insult you to see how much I can count on you to be there when the going gets rough. Convoluted? This is normal for teenagers, but intensified by the adoption experience. Remember, the ultimate achievement of parenting is obsolescence. Do you want me living at home at thirty?
Moses, Oedipus, King Arthur, the Ugly Duckling, Superman and Luke Skywalker all have something in common: they were all adopted. They are also some of our culture's major self realization archetypes: without the search there would have been no story. Society sends adoptees the message to search. There is no society on earth without religion. All of mankind is searching for the creator, isn't it natural adoptees would too?
I always wondered. Search is the adoptee's active part in the process of adoption. Usually it's the child bearing years, late twenties early thirties, when adoptees actively search. I may have an intense desire to know just before puberty. College years, late teens and early twenties I didn't want to search I was too busy separating from my adoptive parents, but if contacted let me make the decision. Please don't search for my birthparents unless I ask you to, or unless there are real problems you feel may have stemmed from my genetic history or an experience I had before I joined our family.
The search isn't about you; the search is not a search for parents. It has as much to do with you as my choice of spouse or career. It is a search for my life -- for my self. I want to know my story, who I look like, ethnic background, and medical history. To meet the creator. and say, "Look at me, I'm ok, I turned out all right, you made the right decision. "
The adoptive parents role in an adoptee's reunion? It is not to voice your insecurities over your ability to parent, your job is to be there for me. To give me the gift of trust. At one of the most intense moments of my life, it is unfair and selfish to play the wronged parent. What does it say about our relationship if I search after you die? The most consistent outcome of adoption reunion is the strengthening of the search supportive adoptive family.
Why be an adoptive parent? Because it makes a difference.
Children need homes and parents need children to create a family. Mothers teach how to fold towels, grandma's recipes, to play fair, and introduce us to literary classics; Dads, teach how to drive, to handle conflict, favorite ball teams, and the best political party. I'll sleep in your arms, play peek-a-boo, bring "I love you"drawings to put on the refrigerator, alarm you with my adolescent fashion sense, and ask for the car keys. Families never stop growing and learning from each other.
Understanding teaches courage; courage teaches stability; stability teaches trust; trust teaches acceptance; acceptance teaches love; and love makes the human heart elastic enough to make adoption less of a commodity transaction and more of an extension of family, and that is an adoptee's advice about good adoptive parenting.
What doesn't kill us, Makes us stronger.
Adoption Forum, Inc., PO Box 12502, Philadelphia, PA 19151Tel: 215-238-1116
Credits: Abigail Lovett
Friday, June 2, 2006
fighting for nothing
I might go visit stacey this summer........I just don't know how I'm going to fit it in. I just really don't wanna let this slip away. I feel like if I let it go without seeing her this summer, then it will somehow be less real. I don't know if that really makes sense.....ugh. I just want more time. More time for everything.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
braindead
so...it's been a while. I don't really wanna go back through the past 3 weeks...so...I'll sum it up.
Basically, it all boils down to one major disappointment, and one subtle, and most likely overlooked answer to a questionaire that has my my heart in a million little pieces.
The major disappointment being that Stacey isn't coming anymore. Enough said. I'm too brain dead/heart sick to divulge what's really going through my mind.
And the subtle, most likely overlooked answer to that questionaire--
Where it asks about your family life on the ever-so-popular myspace...Stacey responded "I don't want kids."
I know in my head it probably means nothing. But when I noticed it for the first time tonight, it felt like my heart fell right out of my chest.
where does that leave me?
Basically, it all boils down to one major disappointment, and one subtle, and most likely overlooked answer to a questionaire that has my my heart in a million little pieces.
The major disappointment being that Stacey isn't coming anymore. Enough said. I'm too brain dead/heart sick to divulge what's really going through my mind.
And the subtle, most likely overlooked answer to that questionaire--
Where it asks about your family life on the ever-so-popular myspace...Stacey responded "I don't want kids."
I know in my head it probably means nothing. But when I noticed it for the first time tonight, it felt like my heart fell right out of my chest.
where does that leave me?
Monday, April 3, 2006
on the first day of school
Stacey is sending my package soon. I think I'll find comfort in that. More pictures, more letters, more more more. If I ever unpack, I'll dig out the stationary I bought specifically to compliment the red sealing wax...and I'll write her back. I'm clinging to the fact that June and July hold the promise of a full week of uninterrupted vacation on my favorite beach in the world with my favorite person in the world, and then the day that I have dreamed about my entire childhood. A day that is going to hold more emotion that I realize. I can look into someone's eyes and see myself. See my history. See the woman who was my home for 9 months. I can see the marks I left on her, and the ones she left on me.
This year is huge.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)