mama mia

HERE is what I have been DYING to get off my chest since October. I would LOVE feedback, because frankly, I am livid. And of course, wondering if I have the right to be. I think this goes back as far as last year.. though I can't be entirely sure. Anyway, my first mother invited me to go on a cruise.. just me and her. A mother-daughter bonding trip on a boat, if you will. I was thrilled beyond words. I, of course, said yes. In a heartbeat. What could possibly be more fun? We needed the time alone. Every trip I have made out to Vegas has been hectic and impossible to have a moment alone. Her friends, her mother, her job always got in the way of having any meaningful conversations. This was the perfect solution.

Then, in October - right around my birthday - she sends me a message, wishing me a happy birthday.. and just below that, there was a little "PS" message which read, "M* is so excited for the cruise! She's never been on one before! Neither has her daughter, M*. S* and N* have been before, though, but they're still excited!" And then I wanted to die. It's the same as always. I'm going to be alone on a cruise with my mother and her friends. The odd man out. She's got her posse with her, and I've got.. my cabin. And hopefully a working cell phone.

Naturally, I've said nothing. Only that I'm no longer sure I can go because of the timing with graduation/getting a job/fill in the blank. I just.. can't believe it went from mother-daughter bonding to mother-friends-daughter-in-the-room-wishing-she-hadn't-gone without any warning. I'm speechless.

And to display the depth of my patheticness, I watched Mamma Mia! over the break. A ridiculous, fun, nonsense musical that should have elicited every reaction in the world except the one that I had. During the scene where the mother is helping the daughter get ready for her wedding - (below)

she's sitting in her mother's lap while her mother paints her toes. It was the most chill scene ever. And I couldn't stop crying. I want that. I want to sit in my mother's lap while she paints my toes and I want it to be the most natural thing ever. But it's becoming increasingly clear that this will never be the case. Nothing will ever be 'natural'. I would never feel natural doing this with either of my mothers. Nothing close. I feel like I got jipped.