Todays' National Adoption Month prompt hits me hard. Being the "Adoptee in the room" happens more often than not. And I'm somewhat ashamed to say that more often than not, I remain silent in the hopes of keeping the peace, not rocking the boat, not hurting feeling, etc - but at what cost?
Recently a friend of mine publicly announced on Facebook that she was upset that while announcing her desires to adopt, she was met with comments along the lines of "you don't know what you're getting into", "they could have problems", "they could disrupt the rest of your family". This, of course, opened the Facebook-floodgates of well-meaning comments and outright ignorance. One woman commented: "You could reply by saying, 'yes, and we're prepared'."
It was that remark that put me over the edge.
Prepared in what way? I think the whole point is that she IS NOT prepared. So, I went against every rule I've ever set for myself regarding social media discussion, and I replied. Prepared in what way, indeed.
I spoke up this time, and informed ALL parties that saying you are prepared to silence rude remarks is not the answer. ACTUALLY being prepared would be better.
On more than one occasion, when I have mustered up the courage to offer insight into my experience as an adoptee and give prospective adoptive parents the chance to be prepared before welcoming a living, breathing open wound into their home, I have been refused with the common response that it's unnecessary. Some have expressed that they are already parents of biological children - how different could it be? Others insist that they are called by God to do this and He will give them the wisdom they need. Nothing sickens me more than that. God very well may have called you to adopt...but I'm certain He didn't call you to go in willingly blind.
This person who outright refused the offered books, life-experiences, and literature is willingly ruining her child's life. Sounds a bit extreme, I'm sure. But 29 years of deep pain and struggle, and hearing that my experience is typical rather than unique has brought me to that very conclusion. Ignorance is one thing. I can forgive you not knowing how to help your child. But to be presented with the truth, and to turn away from it, knowing that your child is to benefit or suffer at your decision, is despicable.
And this is why so often, being the "adoptee in the room" is a burden I'd rather not have. This is why I choose silence more often than speaking up and out.
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