i know who i am... right?

I'm Joanna Calire Fisher

or am I Jade Katharine

Daughter of Marge and Ken Fisher

or am I daughter of Stacey and Steven

Big sister to John, Jackie and Jimmy

or am I an only child?

On Reunion

The journey through reunion is not unlike traveling to a foreign country where one doesn't speak the language or know the customs.
Immersion into a new culture presents adjustments to climate, food,
clothes, mannerisms and social rules.
The experience carries imagined "should haves" that are markedly different from the often awkward reality.

Reunions hold the possibility of joy, hope and healing.
These expectations and their resulting grief, however, can lead to
misunderstanding, hurt and confusion.
Each person must learn to adapt to the other's–as well as their own—perplexing, vacillating emotional changes.
Each person must rise to the challenge of bridging the lost years as well as possible. We are severed from—but profoundly bonded to--each other.
We come together as "Familiar Strangers."
Familiar in many ways because of the inherent genetic traits that are expressed in
physical and emotional mannerisms and thoughts and actions.
Unfamiliar in as many ways because each person has survived the sudden, abrupt truncation of a primary relationship.
Each has developed different coping styles within the context of their own unique life path.

What happens? Why and How Can we Overcome the Challenges?
Traveling between the familiar and the unfamiliar requires resilience because the traveler will experience the roller coaster effects of elation/deflation as pent up emotions and years of buried grief and anger begin to spew forth. It is important to recognize that reunio is an intensely emotional, highly complex and unique phenomenon.
Emotions are energy in motion, they are the tools of growth and serve to warn, protect and teach us about ourselves and the presenting situation/relations hip.

What happens when these worlds converge?
One must learn to read between the lines.
Be an observer of subtle cues, allow the other person to move at her/his own pace, put aside needs and expectations and "musts" for the reality of what it is.
We need to develop an understanding and appreciation of one another's cultural and
lifestyle differences.

Reunion emotions are high and conflicting feelings such as: joy,
sorrow, anxiety, impatience, fear, anger and bewilderment.
The person entering into a reunion is shifting gears from being a searcher with
some measure of control, to a totally unknown situation, craving
acceptance but anticipating rejection.
The seat of the power now shifts to the contacted party.
The searcher now must transition from the fantasies that filled the years of void and longing to stark reality.

Search is usually initiated by a strong internal drive to resolve the
original issue of separation and loss (adoption).
One thirsts to resolve unanswered questions. The emotional pressure to come full
circle sustains what is often an arduous journey.
The searcher's momentum increases as information is gathered.
The emotional pressure to connect continues to escalate, while other life routine issues and obligations may be neglected because the searcher's focused journey is
toward the truth, and he or she is expending a lot of emotional energy
defending the need to search.

The searcher is not unlike a truck traveling 90 m.p.h..
The person who is found and who has not yet moved toward undertaking the search
is taken by surprise and does not have this momentum.
When these two different energies meet an emotional collision occurs.
The searcher can barely slow down, while the person found can barely gasp for air,
for the wind has been knocked out of them.
They need time to adjust and may have concerns about the meaning behind the contact.
There may be stress regarding the implications of meeting and forming this new
relationship.

Each party is bewildered by the other's actions.
Each has different needs.
One may be well versed in adoption issues with adoption, having support group exposure, ~while the other may not have even begun to contemplate adoption and reunion issues.
Both parties have set their roles, rules and emotional commitments to others in their lives.

So many feelings flood forward, there may be bouts of crying or free-floating anger as these feelings flood forth.
There is chaos and confusion.
How can one be filled with such joy, anger, sadness, frustration, indifference, disappointment, fear and elation simultaneously?

Our identities are challenged.
We will NEVER be the same as we were before contact.
Issues of loyalty to respective primary relationships may impede the ability to enfold the other party.
One's previous history of loss, coping skills, ability to identify and verbalize
feelings, and capacity to mourn affect the person's ability to
empathize and relate to one another.
Perception about the adoption experience -- shame/openness, conditions during the pregnancy, success of integrating the adoption experience, issues of inadequacy -- all impact the manner in which the reunion may unfold.
It is a process that often leaves those involved bewildered and exhausted.

Unanswered Questions... Possible Challenges
Who knows the story? 
Does the reality match one's previously held beliefs?
Who sets the pace?
What are the expectations?
What are the family rules, social rules-- i.e. holidays, gifts,
telephone calls, letters, e-mails?
How does one sign off correspondence?
Will previous relationships dissolve?
How does each person identify the other?
How does one handle social instructions?
What type of relationship is desired: casual, nurturing, answers only, close?
How much emotional support does each person have?
Are we open and respectful and non-judgmental of each other's needs?
Will either birth parent be hurt if there is communication with the
other birthparent?
Will the adopted person want to merge their dual family connections or
keep them separate?
Will the birthparent desire acceptance by the adoptive parents?
Will the adoptive parents want to embrace the birthparent or request that the adopted person not discuss the reunion?
Will the birthparent' s family welcome the adopted person or will
rivalries surface?
Can we let go of the fantasy of the reunion for the reality of a real
relationship with a real person, flaws and all?
Does one try to bridge the two different worlds?
Does one become emotionally exhausted trying to travel through these
worlds separately?
What happens if well-intended or misguided family, significant others,
or friends attempt to steer the relationship?
What about "genetic attraction"?
Has the birthmother/ father shared the existence of their child with
family?
Has the adopted person shared the search and contact with her/his
adoptive parents?
Does anyone have to "lead a double life" by keeping this reunion
separate from other primary relationship! How does one deal with still
being "a secret"?
How do life changing events (i.e. marriage, divorce, childbirth,
death) impact one's ability to incorporate this new relationship?
How do physical or emotional health problems influence reunion?

Possible Phases of Post Reunion Relationships

"Falling In Love"
This is similar to a dating experience, when everything is running
smoothly, energy is high, similarities are highlighted. Each party
puts out a lot of effort, there can be a lot of sharing pictures,
stories, exchanging gifts. Each party is open to accommodating the
other's needs.

"Pull Back Phase"
The momentum of the relationship changes as one or both individuals
may step back; one or both individuals may become confused, angry,
frustrated, nervous, depressed. Problems may develop because of mixed
messages or misread signals.

"Establishing Boundaries"
The relationship may be reassessed,. There may be need for ground
rules. Both parties fear rejection by the other. One or both parties
may be involved in a push-pull relationship driven by the need to
connect, but governed by the fear of becoming too close (only to
lose the person again).

"The Relationship Dwindles"
One or both parties shut off communication. This may bring
excruciating pain to one or both individuals. This may occur because
one--or neither-- party is flexible or because pressure from the other
primary relationships have created too much anxiety.

"Acceptance of the Relationship"
Both parties are willing to commit to the relationship, issues still
need to be resolved, reality overrides fantasy and unmet expectations,
each party is willing to grow.

REUNION SURVIVAL RECOMMENDATIONS
*The other person cannot heal you! Reunion is a healing process that
takes time, patience and a lot of effort.

*The reactions you see, hear, and experience can say a great deal
about the other person's level of development, emotional makeup and
coping skills. These reactions ARE NOT about you. Try not to take them
personally.

*Develop and seek emotional support OUTSIDE of ANY primary
relationship. It is very difficult to receive objective advice from
persons who have specific role expectations of you.

*Each person has her/his own pace.... Respect the differences.

*There is no right or wrong way you must recognize and follow the cues.

*Seek out other adoptees or birthparents impressions when you get stuck.

*All relationships evolve over time.... Your Reunion Mantra should be
"We have the rest of our lives to resolve this."

*Remember "E=mc2": for every action there is an equal and opposite
reaction. If you push too hard the other party will resist with equal
strength.

*Flexibility is the key.

*Honor your psyche's need to grieve, seek appropriate therapy with
someone who is familiar with post adoption/reunion issues, or educate
your therapist if you are comfortable with her/him.

*Don't panic ... take deep breaths.

*Don't act impulsively or out of fear or anger.... Most of us
unintentionally hurt each other when coming from this place.,
Remember your reunion mantra.

*Get reality checks from a trusted confidant.

*Don't stifle your feelings! That's what you've done for years and
that's when we snap and say or do things we usually later regret.

*Perhaps try your feelings out with several people who are experienced
with these issues first

*Let go; let the flow take its natural course...

*It's natural to grieve losses; honor your passage.

*Please remember...REUNION CAN BE BOTH DIFFICULT AND ECSTATIC AT THE
SAME TIME. BRACE YOURSELF FOR A FLOOD OF EMOTIONS. TRY TO ENJOY THE
JOURNEY SELF DISCOVERY AND HEALING. "WE HAVE THE REST OF OUR LIVES TO
RESOLVE THIS.

how did it come to this? how did we get here?

I don't really know what's going on.

I understand that my heart beats because Stacey allowed it to.

I understand that since December 6th I have thought of nothing but meeting her face to face.

Since December 12th I have spent countless hours pouring over her letters and photographs. Studied my face in hers. Studied her handwriting. Her facial expressions.

I understand that my parents are severely threatened by this.

I had hoped with everything in me to take 3 days at the end of September - the end of my fall break - to visit her in Las Vegas. I hunted for the cheapest tickets. $285 was what I came up with. I figured my bank account could suffer the dent. These were extenuating circumstances. It's my mother. My flesh and blood for crying out loud. I called my mom to share with her the good news of such a cheap ticket, after she said she had already looked and saw that the lowest price was $600.

"Why? Why do you want to go to Las Vegas? What could you possibly have to do there? It's too expensive. You're doing too much. It's just too many things."

She's my BIRTH MOTHER.

"Your father won't go for this. This is not what he put that money in your account for."

Then let ME talk to HIM.

"NO. NO. Why do you want to go there anyway? How are you going to pay for it?"

She's my BIRTH MOTHER. I'll pay for it with the money in my account!

"I didn't put that money in your account so you could parade around Vegas for 3 days. That money is there for school. We just got you all that camera equipment. Do you think we're made of money? Do you have some sort of job your going to get this money from? Are you planning on coming home and working and scraping together $300 and then fly off to Vegas? You think we're going to let you do that? I don't understand why YOU'RE going THERE. Why doesn't SHE come HERE? What about her trip in July?"

It's August...

"Don't take that tone with me. I know it's August. Why didn't she show?"

I don't know, Dad, it's more complicated than you're giving it credit.

"There's nothing complicated about it. You need to focus on school, not prancing around Las Vegas with this woman. And I don't want you going alone."

I'd prefer to be alone.

"Well, I won't have it. Go do some homework."

An Adoptee's Advice to Prospective Adoptive Parents

Hi mom, Hi dad! That's right, there but for time and space you could be my parents -- adoptive parents -- or birthparents. Birthparents and adoptive parents. B-Parents and A-Parents. Before parents and after parents. Before has no meaning without after, after has no meaning without before. Time and space. You cannot exist without each other. I couldn't find the words as a child. Now I have the words to advise you, tell you what it's like, tell you why I need to search, to help us resolve these issues before they become problems.
So imagine, I arrived in your home helpless; in need of your nurturing. Lets get the tough stuff over with first: you are the parent. I am not here to heal the pain of your infertility. You must resolve the emotional baggage of infertility before you decide to parent. Unresolved infertility may be a problem when adoptees become fruitful at puberty. Unresolved infertility, leaves the whole family grieving for the unrealized biological child; leaving me to feel second best.
Unresolved infertility puts adoptees in the difficult situation of trying to be the "perfect" answer to your infertility, while dealing with the "imperfect" reality of being given away.Tell me I'm adopted, or you risk a terrible breach of trust. I've seen men in their fifties destroyed when, at a parent's funeral, some relative spilled the beans. Talking about adoption will defuse its effect. I will ask more than once, reflecting different needs at different ages. So get information, meet my birthparents. Be honest but not critical, remember, I will incorporate your interpretation of my birthparents into my interpretation of myself.People will say I'm lucky to have been adopted by such wonderful people; who knows what my fate may have been if you hadn't taken me into your home! Note how this sets me up to be eternally grateful to you. It's easy to fall into parental martyr syndrome but you are not just parents -- you are adoptive parents. There but for time and space who knows, maybe another family would have suited me better. Asking for my gratitude puts us in opposition. Remind those who would have our relationship based on guilt that you too, are lucky to have found me.
Adoptees constantly wonder what could have been. My life is the luck of the draw. I spent my childhood thinking: these people could have been -- or could be -- my parents; this could have been my home; those could have been my toys; I could have had to wear that outfit!? One thing is not arbitrary I was born to someone.Adoptees believe in things we've never seen: birthparents in the guise of guardian angels, fairy changelings, and storks who deliver babies - how else did we get here? We've never heard the story of our quickening, our labor, our birth.
Adoptive parents compare themselves to birthparents, but adoptees compare themselves to the unrealized biological child. My parents told me they lost a child. I thought they went out and actually lost the child somewhere. I felt guilty because I thought if they found him, they might take me back, I didn't want that -- they were my family.
We adoptees refer to ourselves as "adaptees." My natural laugh is a barking sound but I tried to imitate my adoptive father's dry hissing laugh my whole life. I was thirty-seven when I learned the origin of my barking laugh. I was at a birthfamily reunion. My birthmother had not arrived yet. I laughed, the barking laugh, and the relatives gathered. They thought I was her.
Adoptees procrastinate, are pack rats, and aren't good decision makers. We don't have the facts about our lives, we don't know the significance of anything, so we put off until we get the facts.
Excuse me if I'm a little paranoid and indignant about secrecy, I am the product of sealed records. A commodity passed from one party to another with no say in the contract. The physician, and his staff; the attorneys, and their staffs, the hospital staff, the agencies, the staff at the court house where my adoption was filed, and, of course, the staffs guarding my sealed original birth certificate and records all know more about me than I know about myself.
Excuse me for being angry. The non adopted can get their original birth certificates. Mine is sealed from me. I must be satisfied with the falsified document registering who I was after my adoption: but I existed before that. The system makes me angry, but you mom and dad will bear the brunt of my anger, because you are the closest authority figures. What makes me angry is being treated differently because I'm adopted and the lack of control over these circumstances.
I promise you, about the time I reach puberty, I will say the dreaded words,"You are not my real parents." This is not anger. It is insecurity. With puberty comes the challenge of individuation. I must start rehearsing my independence. I'll hurt and insult you to see how much I can count on you to be there when the going gets rough. Convoluted? This is normal for teenagers, but intensified by the adoption experience. Remember, the ultimate achievement of parenting is obsolescence. Do you want me living at home at thirty?
Moses, Oedipus, King Arthur, the Ugly Duckling, Superman and Luke Skywalker all have something in common: they were all adopted. They are also some of our culture's major self realization archetypes: without the search there would have been no story. Society sends adoptees the message to search. There is no society on earth without religion. All of mankind is searching for the creator, isn't it natural adoptees would too?
I always wondered. Search is the adoptee's active part in the process of adoption. Usually it's the child bearing years, late twenties early thirties, when adoptees actively search. I may have an intense desire to know just before puberty. College years, late teens and early twenties I didn't want to search I was too busy separating from my adoptive parents, but if contacted let me make the decision. Please don't search for my birthparents unless I ask you to, or unless there are real problems you feel may have stemmed from my genetic history or an experience I had before I joined our family.
The search isn't about you; the search is not a search for parents. It has as much to do with you as my choice of spouse or career. It is a search for my life -- for my self. I want to know my story, who I look like, ethnic background, and medical history. To meet the creator. and say, "Look at me, I'm ok, I turned out all right, you made the right decision. "
The adoptive parents role in an adoptee's reunion? It is not to voice your insecurities over your ability to parent, your job is to be there for me. To give me the gift of trust. At one of the most intense moments of my life, it is unfair and selfish to play the wronged parent. What does it say about our relationship if I search after you die? The most consistent outcome of adoption reunion is the strengthening of the search supportive adoptive family.
Why be an adoptive parent? Because it makes a difference.
Children need homes and parents need children to create a family. Mothers teach how to fold towels, grandma's recipes, to play fair, and introduce us to literary classics; Dads, teach how to drive, to handle conflict, favorite ball teams, and the best political party. I'll sleep in your arms, play peek-a-boo, bring "I love you"drawings to put on the refrigerator, alarm you with my adolescent fashion sense, and ask for the car keys. Families never stop growing and learning from each other.
Understanding teaches courage; courage teaches stability; stability teaches trust; trust teaches acceptance; acceptance teaches love; and love makes the human heart elastic enough to make adoption less of a commodity transaction and more of an extension of family, and that is an adoptee's advice about good adoptive parenting.

What doesn't kill us, Makes us stronger.
Adoption Forum, Inc., PO Box 12502, Philadelphia, PA 19151Tel: 215-238-1116
Credits: Abigail Lovett

fighting for nothing

I might go visit stacey this summer........I just don't know how I'm going to fit it in. I just really don't wanna let this slip away. I feel like if I let it go without seeing her this summer, then it will somehow be less real. I don't know if that really makes sense.....ugh. I just want more time. More time for everything.

braindead

so...it's been a while. I don't really wanna go back through the past 3 weeks...so...I'll sum it up.
Basically, it all boils down to one major disappointment, and one subtle, and most likely overlooked answer to a questionaire that has my my heart in a million little pieces.
The major disappointment being that Stacey isn't coming anymore. Enough said. I'm too brain dead/heart sick to divulge what's really going through my mind.
And the subtle, most likely overlooked answer to that questionaire--
Where it asks about your family life on the ever-so-popular myspace...Stacey responded "I don't want kids."
I know in my head it probably means nothing. But when I noticed it for the first time tonight, it felt like my heart fell right out of my chest.
where does that leave me?

on the first day of school

Stacey is sending my package soon. I think I'll find comfort in that. More pictures, more letters, more more more. If I ever unpack, I'll dig out the stationary I bought specifically to compliment the red sealing wax...and I'll write her back. I'm clinging to the fact that June and July hold the promise of a full week of uninterrupted vacation on my favorite beach in the world with my favorite person in the world, and then the day that I have dreamed about my entire childhood. A day that is going to hold more emotion that I realize. I can look into someone's eyes and see myself. See my history. See the woman who was my home for 9 months. I can see the marks I left on her, and the ones she left on me.

This year is huge.

brutal honesty

I talked to Stacey the other day. She told me she named me. I had a name. Before I was Joanna Claire, I was someone else. I was Jade Katharine. Jade. Jade Katharine. I wonder if I would have lived differently under that name. I wonder if one suits me better than the other. How much different would everything be? I had a name. The woman who caarried me in her womb for nine months gave me the name Jade Katharine. Shouldn't I respect that somehow? The woman who raised me for 20 years gave me the name Joanna Claire. Should I not respect that as well?
Why aren't there rules for this? Someone should get it together and write me out a manual as to how I'm supposed to wrap my mind around the fact that I am not who I thought I was. I am not who anyone thinks I am. I was someone else before I was Joanna Claire Fisher. Why is it impossible to acknowledge that? Who wants to start a book on chapter two? My parents' lives may have started when I was adopted, but my life started before that. There is this whole other world that I came from that no one will talk about. Not unless it's behind closed doors.
I feel like I'm living two separate lives. The one where I live like nothing is different. I am of this family that I was raised in, everything is normal. Ha! What a facade! Then my other life. The one that I'm only allowed to delve into when no one is looking. When I'm all alone in my room and I pull out the box of letters from Stacey, and I pour over faded pictures of a life of "could-have-been's", and "what if's". Now, what happens when those worlds collide? What happens on that day in July? The day that I have been waiting for my entire life...will my family even acknowledge it? Will my friends? Will I be at that airport, experiencing something so spectaular all alone? Will I be allowed to talk about it when it's over? Will I be allowed to cry with someone? Mourn the loss of my mother -- the woman who gave me life -- the loss that no one will recognize as an acutall LOSS. Don't you think I deserve the time to mourn that? Or will I be asked, without words, to not tap into that?
What if Stacey gets here, and doesn't like what she sees? What if she doesn't like my family, my friends? What if she feels completely excluded? What if she sees me and hops right back on that plane?

keep love at arm's length and save yourself the pain when they leave

in an attempt to continue smoothing things over with my mom in regards to stacey, she shook her head, turned her eyes to the floor and said, "this is just too weird for me."
my heart broke. i felt like a freak show. what does "too weird" mean? at that moment, i wished more than any other time in my life that i could be someone else. be somewhere else. i wish none of this had ever happened. why did it have to happen? why me? i wonder if this will ever be "ok" with my parents. and how will that affect my relationship with them? my aunts have been the only ones so far to show their excitement for me. to actually show some interest in this new part of my life.
i know this will take time. i expect nothing less. but i don't think my heart can take this on alone. i feel like i have to tip toe around them. even speaking stacey's name makes my mom's lip quiver. i can see how much this is hurting her. and it breaks my heart. i hate that i am the cause of so much pain to her. i hate that i feel guilty for this...i need this. i deserve this. i owe my existence to this woman...and i'm not even allowed to speak her name. i hate this secrecy. i hate that i have to wait until the house is empty to call stacey. i hate that there are thousands of miles between us. I hate the thousands of miles between the people I live with.
I can't get over it. "too weird"...I know it's "too weird". but i can't help it...it's not like i chose this.  
i just don't want to be all alone in this. i can't be all alone in this.

over the moon

so, a lot has happened since i last wrote. i don't even remember what's gone on lol. I don't think I had told my family about Stacey when I last wrote. To put your anticipating minds at ease, I did tell them. I told the entire Skrivan family, actually. That was interesting. But everyone is COMPLETELY cool with it. NOT what I expected at all, but so so so much better. And Stacey is coming up to see me in July, if everything works out.

open wounds

"
Within the adoption community the adoption triangle refers to the birth mother, her child and the child’s adoptive parents. It would be the contention of most people in the community that while there is equality within the triangle, the child’s best interests always come first. However, it is my contention as an adoptee that the triangle of adoption is not only unequal but also the child’s best interests in many instances come last. Moreover it is my contention that the child’s best interests will continue to be of little consideration while we use a defensive reasoning approach to address the social issue of adoption and childless couples. In referring to childless couples, I make no distinction between same sex couples and other couples

Basically, defensive reasoning is a process whereby decisions are made and actions carried out with the aim of protecting the status quo. This means that we will always meet the needs of the more influential members of society often at the expense of those less influential. This practice is done at the expense of truth, natural justice and genuine learning. According to Argyris, this is a core value that only becomes apparent when something goes wrong
If we see something often enough we cease to see it. If we do something often enough we do it without thinking. If we think something often enough we think it without challenge. If we hear something often enough we will hear it without question. When dealing with people, we are only dismissive or abusive of those in a less powerful position than we are. If abuse is not happening to ourself or someone we care about we more often than not do nothing about it, or discredit those that do.
In practicing defensive reasoning we, fail to address the “unaddressable,” fail to discuss the “undiscussable” and rationalise our failures with defensive reasoning.

The “unaddressable” and “undiscussable” are those issues that cause emotional discomfort to others and us. They are the things that if discussed or addressed may cause us to lose popularity.
Defensive reasoning is seen as a safe way for everyone to behave. It allows us to distance ourselves from what is really going on. It saves us from being embarrassed and uncomfortable, and saves us from causing embarrassment and discomfort to others. It keeps us likeable. Little to no consideration is given to the fact that defensive reasoning impedes our personal and professional growth and that of our community. In my view, it makes no difference if we are referring to a business, government, church or special interest group such as the adoption community. Defensive reasoning is practiced everywhere.
In general terms, when defensive reasoning is practised it means that the results of problems are addressed, but not the cause. Thus, we keep “filling the cracks” that emerge from time to time in our communities, but we never examine the foundations, which more often than not are the cause of the problem in the first place. The end result is that we often solve one problem only to create another. For example, the foundation that allows for the continuance of adoption is not unwanted children, but rather the failure to recognise and correct the lack of social programs and supports to assist single mothers to keep their own children. In practical terms, what we do is solve the problem of childless couples and create problems for many of the children and their mothers that is, unresolved and permanent grief.
An example of a defensive reasoning untruth in adoption is when adoptive parents say that the child was unwanted. While I know that not all children are wanted, clearly most are. Unless the adoptive parent has met and had in-depth discussions with the natural mother around the circumstances of the “relinquishment”, you are in no position to say whether a child was wanted or not wanted. Moreover, given what we have learned from natural mothers here in Australia about their circumstances which for most, did not include that they did not want their child I would suggest that we have learned little. Alternatively, we have chosen to ignore what we know because it does not necessarily fit in with what we want, that is someone else’s baby to raise and love as if it were our own.
So what other defensive reasoning practices do we use in order to maintain the status quo? How is it that contrary to legislation and contrary to many people’s views, the child continues to come last when addressing the needs of members of the triangle?
As indicated previously, most people in the community and many within the adoption community in particular, adoptive parents would regard adoption as a good thing. It solves each member of the triangle’s problems. The childless couple (adoptive parents) get a child to love and raise, the natural mother gets rid of the burden of raising an unwanted child and the child who wasn’t’ wanted gets to be raised by loving parents. Everyone’s problems are solved. However, those of us who belong to the adoption community know that nothing is further from the truth.
For many years, research has existed on the impact of adoption on adoptees, but this research to this day has largely been ignored or undervalued. Indeed, anecdotal examples would suggest that to this day, not all natural mothers make an informed decision when they place their baby for adoption. For example, are natural mothers, in particular those from overseas informed that they may find themselves in a state of unresolved grief and regret for the rest of their life if they give their child up for adoption. I would suggest not. Are natural mothers informed of the research results about the possible impact of adoption on their baby? Anecdotal examples would suggest not. Is consideration given to the emotional state of the mother at the time of the birth of her baby and her ability to make an informed choice. Again, I would suggest not.
Why do we ignore the research? I would suggest that it is ignored because unconsciously, the need to maintain the status quo that is, that adoption is a good thing and the belief that to meet the needs of the childless couple solves everything is a concept too traumatic for many to challenge. The result being, a distorted triangle and the child’s importance being secondary to all else.
For example, if you have read the research on the impact of adoption on adoptees why on earth would anyone suggest it was a good thing for most adopted persons. For example, while the research does indicate that some adoptees are unaffected by the experience of adoption, it would appear to a greater or lesser extent that most are.
The resilient adoptee who appears calm and in control of their behaviour and emotions and is capable of being reflective. They experienced encouragement and support in discussing the feelings associated with being adopted from their adoptive parents throughout their life.
The acting-out adoptee that operates out of anger and often feels unable to live up to the adoptive family’s expectations to be perfect and fit in. Behaviours include being rebellious, argumentative, having intense anger, being disruptive and socially and emotionally alienated. These adoptees frequently take mind-altering drugs to cope.
The compliant adoptee on the other hand, operates out of guilt and shame and tries to please everyone. They are usually ‘high achievers’ who feel the need to be ‘better than others to deserve love’. They need constant approval from others to validate self worth. They put forward a desirable image in order to hide the emptiness that is felt. 

The latter two types develop a facade in order to deny their feelings. There is the exterior or false self and the interior or true self. The false self allows feelings to be hidden along with the pretence that everything is fine.
Carlini’s research also resulted in identifying what she refers to as 17 core issues of adoption for adopted persons. Her book does not provide the percentages for all issues, but where she has I have included them. I have not included all 17 issues. 

The issues identified include:
· Impaired trust (61%) along with what Carlini refers to as “control madness" that is, being on guard at all times – being fearful of rejection;
· Difficulties with intimacy (78%) with an apparently high proportion never marrying or having children;
· Failing to initiate relationships;
· Dislike of being hugged as a child (50%) with many stating it continued into their adult life;
· Feelings of anxiety all the time (63%) with 52% indicating they felt anxious as a child for no apparent reason;
· A lack of self esteem (76%);
· A demand to behave perfectly (71%);
· Feelings of anger about being adopted (69%);
· Having two different identities (79%) that is, they have a false self and a true self.
· A dislike of special occasions such as birthdays and Christmas (54%),
· Identity diffusion or the inability to identify with a nurturing figure that is, the difficulty many adopted persons have in
· identifying their adoptive mother and father as their mother and father, but rather identify them as their parents.
· Feelings of guilt and shame that you must have done something wrong,
· Being out of touch with feelings about being adopted and denying feelings;
· Loneliness (biological identity crisis) and;
· Restlessness that is, the feeling that something is missing that you do not belong


In conclusion, according to Carlini, adoptees also talked of the need to be cautious, alert, watchful and hyper-vigilant as methods they used to avoid another abandonment. They also talked of the difficulty with giving and receiving love.
In simple terms, I would describe the feeling side of adoption from an adoptees point of view as like being separated from everyone by a picket fence. You can see everyone, talk to them, laugh with them, cry with them, but you can never join or be equal to them no matter how much you want to or how hard your try to. You will always walk on your side of the picket fence on your own. Even after you have “completed” the major part of your journey, you know that this part of your feelings will never really change. Additionally once you have met your biological mother and others, you must learn to straddle both families knowing that you will not completely belong to either, but at the same time fearing rejection. The trick in coping with this reality is I think that you learn to accept it.

How much this feeling of never really belonging to anyone has to do with adoption and how much it has to do with the discrimination or the defensive reasoning statements that many of us have experienced as adoptees I do not know.
What I do know is that the discrimination and defensive reasoning arguments that I experienced as a child and adult because of my adoption is not rare. Most adoptees I have met have experienced discrimination or defensive reasoning put downs to a greater or lesser extent either from adoptive family members and or members of the community and in some instances, members of their natural family. Many of us for example, were told such things, as our mothers did not want us, we have bad blood. When we made a mistake as a child, or even as an adult, we were told it was the “bad blood” coming out in us. Even some children at school were told by their parents not to play with us because we were bad. As older adoptees when we started to take an interest in the opposite sex, some of us experienced our prospective partners parents panic who would say such things as “Good God, you can’t marry her/him, you would not know what you were getting.” Whilst many of these attitudes have now gone, pockets of it still exist so that our young adoptees can still experience similar to what we older adoptees experienced. For example, is was reported in recent years that a teacher told a child in her class that he could not participate in the development of his family tree because his adopted family was not his real family. It was only a couple of years ago there was also an article in the newspaper about an American adoptee’s adoptive parent’s suing the government for giving them a child with “bad blood.” The dismissal of your grief when family or relatives die is also not rare. For example, when your adoptive mother dies the grief can be dismissed because she was not your real mother. When your natural mother dies the grief is dismissed because she did not raise you.
In addressing the issues of adoption, I am yet to meet an adoptee that has not found their journey a totally overwhelming, absorbing, obsessive, complex, confusing, painful and joyous experience. It is usually these emotions that lead us to attend support group meetings. It is here that we learn that adoptees can finish off each other’s sentences and be 100% accurate in their understanding of what is being said. We also learn that the feeling side of other members of the adoption community is often quite different from our own. As a result, we all learn to walk on “egg shells” because we do not want to hurt other members of the triangle and nor do we want to experience further rejection. Our real feelings are mostly confined to meetings solely for adopted persons.
Having said that, it also needs to be stated that in order for the adopted person to work through their issues of unresolved grief, they need the assistance of natural mothers (not their own) to do this. I dare say that the same need exists for many natural mothers in order to try and understand the emotional reactions of their own child especially their anger because they feel they were given away. I should stress here that it is my view that the feeling side of adoption develops when you are a child and do not have the adult maturity to challenge some of the comments made to you or work out the issues that come up in your mind.
· My view regarding the journey of adoptees is that most of us experience a feeling side and a thought side to adoption; both being very different views. Fortunately, as you work through the grief and develop more understanding of yourself, adoption, natural mothers and human nature it is my view that the feelings and the thoughts come together. When they do come together, the result is a more empathetic and compassionate understanding of your natural mother and many other natural mothers you come in to contact with.
The thought side encompasses what most relinquishing mothers I have met, will say.
· They were forced to give up their child;
· They had no choice;
· They did not have family support;
· The father was not supportive, or had left them;
· There was no single mothers pension and there was no way to financially rear a child;
· They believed and were told we would be better off, etc.
· Some relinquishing mothers have even expressed the view that we are “stolen children”.
The feeling side of adoptees on the other hand is:
· We were given away;
· We were not food or clothing to be given away, but their child;
· My mother did not fight for me;
· No one put a gun to my mother’s head to sign the adoption papers – all she had to do was say no.
The feeling side regarding adoptive parents can be:
· We were their last choice after trying to have their own naturally or via IVF;
· We were not picked; we were given to you so that any baby would have done;
· If my own mother can give me away, then you can too.

In addition, one of the defensive reasoning comments to justify adopted people taking up their journey to look for their mother is that it is only natural to be curious. I, and others like me did not start our journey and put so much effort and emotion into trying to find our natural mothers because we were curious. It is simply a nonsense.
For example, I often say to my friends in the adoption community that this "genes stuff" has got me beat. I can not understand how our biological relatives who are "strangers, but not strangers" can bring out so many emotions. My natural mother Agnes for example was a devout Catholic. I on the other hand am a very lapsed Catholic who often uses expletives to express myself. Yet, in the 14 years I knew her before she died I never even said "bum" in her presence. I never lost my fascination with her face taking in every inch of it at my every given opportunity. Staring into the faces of other people especially when they are not looking is something one unconsciously learns to do as an adopted child. I call it looking for the "rellies". So when you finally meet your mum, I have to say there is nothing like sitting opposite someone who is really a true, blue relative. Someone that you know you are related to because you look so much like her. It is a wonderful feeling finding out that your stubbornness comes from your mother and that your frank speaking style for example comes from your grandfather. I, like many adoptees when they meet their biological mother hang on her every word. I found myself constantly looking for some sign that she cared about me but with the most blandest, indifferent look on my face so that she would never know how I really felt. I cried often about my mother, but only once in front of her and only then for a minute otherwise she might find out my true feelings and reject me once again. This is what adoptees do best, hide our true feelings until we are in a room that only contains adoptees. Then and only then is it safe. It is the strangest relationship. We share the most intimate feelings together, but know very little about the "superficial" side of each other.
In summary, being adopted can present many problems of grief, pain, anger, confusion, fear and joy. The research is very clear. It is not good for a child to be removed from its mother, so one needs to ask, whose needs are we meeting? Clearly not that of the child’s.
To summarise defensive reasoning in adoption I would firstly identify the root cause of adoption as a lack of appropriate socially supportive policies for those who live in poverty in particular women, along with a non-questioning society where it is believed children would be better off being raised by someone other than their mother, cultures where women are regarded as secondary to men, etc. As indicated previously, while many changes have occurred in Australia to correct the social imbalances outlined above, they have not in many overseas countries. As a result, overseas adoptions have escalated. Moreover, it would seem that we have learned little from the experiences of adoption in particular, the experiences of adoptees and natural mothers. For example, my generation of adoptees were brought up being told that we were not wanted. When we met our own mothers and other natural mothers, we discovered that this was far from the truth. I am not saying that all natural mothers wanted their children. Clearly, they do not form the majority of adopted people - most were wanted and most of us in the adoption community know it. Yet, the explanations that use to be provided to adoptees in Australia are now being used for children adopted from overseas. That is, that they were not wanted. I base this comment on recent statements made by Australian adoptive parents during recent television interviews. Have we not learned anything or is it that what we have learned does not suit us. Is it so impossible to look at it from the child’s point of view that is, if my own mum did not want me or gave me away then what is to stop my adoptive mum and dad from doing the same. Making comments that a child was not wanted is an emotional abuse of every child’s right to feel and be safe and secure in their environment.
Finally, it behoves all of us to be mindful of our defensive reasoning conditioning. When you make a decision that may impact on another person you should always see it in ethical terms. When you make a decision that may negatively impact on a person’s emotional and/or mental health in particular that of a child then you should always see it as an ethical dilemma and challenge your thoughts and feelings unreservedly.
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