in an attempt to continue smoothing things over with my mom in regards to stacey, she shook her head, turned her eyes to the floor and said, "this is just too weird for me."
my heart broke. i felt like a freak show. what does "too weird" mean? at that moment, i wished more than any other time in my life that i could be someone else. be somewhere else. i wish none of this had ever happened. why did it have to happen? why me? i wonder if this will ever be "ok" with my parents. and how will that affect my relationship with them? my aunts have been the only ones so far to show their excitement for me. to actually show some interest in this new part of my life.
i know this will take time. i expect nothing less. but i don't think my heart can take this on alone. i feel like i have to tip toe around them. even speaking stacey's name makes my mom's lip quiver. i can see how much this is hurting her. and it breaks my heart. i hate that i am the cause of so much pain to her. i hate that i feel guilty for this...i need this. i deserve this. i owe my existence to this woman...and i'm not even allowed to speak her name. i hate this secrecy. i hate that i have to wait until the house is empty to call stacey. i hate that there are thousands of miles between us. I hate the thousands of miles between the people I live with.
I can't get over it. "too weird"...I know it's "too weird". but i can't help it...it's not like i chose this.
i just don't want to be all alone in this. i can't be all alone in this.
