biting, bleeding lips

"I ponder over the past year, and how amazing, how extremely difficult, and finally, how healing it has been. You just never, ever know what is around the bend; and no one can ever predict for you what can happen in your life.

I grew up being introduced as "the adopted one." My adopted father was so proud of his great philanthropy of being such a wonderful soul as to take in this poor, pitiful, unwanted bastard and raising her as his own. He often reminded me in cards that said, "I love you AS IF you were my real daughter." And saying, "You are too good for this family, we should take you back." in response to my perfect behavior because of my sheer terror of being thrown into the abyss of before. I spent all of my life trying to make up for the great wrong I thought I had committed that landed me outside of the loving arms of my god-creator.....mom. Parents are these omnipotent, all knowing, and invincible gods to children. We cannot imagine our parents as human beings with fears and faults. In my mind it was all me. Worthless and unlovable.
As a child I imagined my first mom hiding behind trees to catch glimpses of me. I anxiously looked to the front door on birthdays, so sure was I that she would float through the door with gifts and love and wisk me away, back to that place of belonging and kinship and knowing. I would have someone's nose, someone's temper and carry a last name characteristic that was known only to my clan.

Fifteen years ago, when I was twenty, I bounded toward finding her with the exuberance of a Labrador Retreiver Puppy, all wagging tail and slobbery, loving tongue. I was quickly shot down and crumbled when I heard that she wanted no contact. How could this be? This same person who I thought had camped out just to see me was now saying "No" to an adult who no longer needed her diaper changed or midnight feedings? So it was true, after all. There was some part of me that was unacceptable and unlovable. Yikes. Growing up adopted was like being an alien on this foreign plane, but being rejected by my mother was like being plunged into a vat of hot hot oil. For the next 15 years, I stiffled the child inside that said, "I want to SEE her!" I've got to SEE her!! I obeyed the rules, I crossed my legs, I wiped my mouth and used the best of manners, as on the inside the turbulence grew and grew.

In my work, I had a chance at a huge promotion, and guess what. This promotion would take place at a convention in the town where I thought my first mom lived. I set out, worked like a dog, moved 600 miles to a small town, and still made the promotion just in time for convention. So convinced was I that walking across that stage would make me worthy, lovable, would prove to her that I was more than her greatest mistake of which she had never recovered. There was tons of recognition in that town, but I felt no different. The adopted Pam was still the same little girl, crying inside that she had been for 35 years. No promotion was going to change that. I crashed in a big way, and this time last year came very close to taking my own life, my pain was so great.
...
A neighbor died this summer, a young father leaving behind two young children, the youngest being the same age as my oldest son. Seeing that son, and knowing how devastating this event was for his life, I knew that I must, I must see my first mom. I knew that without seeing her, one day I would plunge into that abyss and never return, leaving a wake of devastation for my own children. That was it. I had to knock on her door, after 15 years and 3 attempts of making contact with her. I knew that in all likelihood, I would get a slammed door, a scream, and I would obliterate any chance of a future relationship, but my reasoning was, "What is she going to do.....NOT call? NOT write? Disown me? I had nothing to lose.

Patty Puch, an awesome first mom said to me, "Seeing you will change her." I clung to that, and kept that in my mind.

Last Friday, November 18 gave birth to a real me. I knocked on her door with shaking knees and feeling sheer terror. She answered, and I said, "I've driven 18 hours to be standing right here.....please do not close the door." She had a blank look on her face. I asked her her name, and told her mine. She said, "Would you like to come in?" Wow. I explained immediately that I did not want to hurt her, but that I had to see her, it was life or death. She looked completely at a loss, and completely blank as to how SHE might add value to MY life. She was soooooo beautiful! She had this gorgeous smile, and beautiful laugh and sweet, sweet face! I saw some of my features in her face! I told her how beautiful she was, and told her how much I have missed her all these years. It was clear that she could not absorb that she could have been missed or have any value. I came to understand that it was not that she thought that I was worthless, but that she considered herself worthless and shameful, that she could not imagine she had anything to offer me.

I was there 15 minutes because I knew I blew her away. She shared she was open to meeting two days later. When I arrived, as scared as before, she was beeming her beautiful smile, and had candles burning and had her brother with her. She introduced me, and said, "This is your UNCLE Steve" and she said at one point, "Like mother, like daughter(what beautiful words!!)." And I learned where I got my big nose, and that my grandfather was a singer and that my great grandmother was an artist!!! These talents were not just a made up part of me, floating from no where! I had a heritage! For once in my life, I was so proud of my big honkin' nose! Patty was right, seeing me changed her. I reminded her over and over how valuable she is to me. She shared with me that she has never experienced that, from her mother, or anyone else, so it is hard to understand. I know that I was able to be loving to her because of the hard work I have done up to this point. My desire to see her was so great, that I could not wait another minute, and I was willing to risk her slamming the door in my face in order to see her beautiful face. So many lessons learned, but one of them is to listen to that inner voice, even when others say it's stupid, or your'e a drama queen, or to move on with your life. Trust yourself. No one has been exactly where you have been. Big rewards sometimes do come with big risks. I am not sure where we will go next, but I got my photos developed today,and am carrying my framed picture with me all over the house. I want to run up to strangers and show them this picture of my beautiful mother, and just brag on her just like a mom brags on her little ones. I now have the closure of seeing her face. Though I would like to know her better, if that is not to be, I can get on with my life.

Earthlings (those not adopted) so often diminish the adoptees desire to have genetic links. I so want to say to them...."Well, if it doesnt' matter, then never ever again make any reference at all to who your children look like, or where they got their personalities and interests.....if we are all robots and tabula rasas, then let it be in your own life!' "

rewriting history

i went back into the basement and dug out my file from the easter house...this time i was a little smarter about it. i took pictures of the pages since there was no available photocopiers...but it seemed to have worked well enough. Suz found my mother's d.o.b. and she says that's really helpful. its strange though...having thought one thing all your life, and then have that not be even slightly true...turns out i was not abandoned...and while i thought i would be happy about that, i'm really not sure what i feel. i was so angry for so long, but now i know that i really had no reason to be. i don't know, it's a lot to think about...but im glad i know the truth. finally.
i don't know how much help some of my friends are going to be in all of this. i'm not sure anyone really "gets it". i was talking to one of my friends a little while ago...and while i know her intentions were good, nothing she said was making me feel any better. actually it took everything in me to not lash out and tell her how little of an idea she really has what it's like. this is just going to be hard for a while. at least until i settle into the idea.
time for bed. i deserve a good night's sleep tonight.