i can't stop saying 'i want to go home'. i don't know where that is anymore. sometimes i wonder if that means that i'm giving up on this life. sometimes i wonder if that means i want to run away to be with my mother. a lot of times that means i feel like my heart will burst out of my chest at work, itching to get back to my apartment. and every time, no matter where i am, that feeling doesn't go away.
i don't know if i'm supposed to just live the rest of my life like this. i have this hole in me. i thought i could fill it with my mother. i thought i could fill it with God. i thought i could fill it if i packed my day full of things to do. i thought i could fill it if i laid in bed all day, trying to will it away. i'm afraid i might try to fill it with something i'll regret.
i don't know how i'm supposed to live as half a person.
