I watched you watch him. It was different.

There's a feeling. When he was little I watched you. I watched you..watch him.

I saw you look at each other. It was different. I want that."

Then She Found Me - Eleanor Lipman

is it...denial? It has to be. In watching the movie Then She Found Me (which..the book kind of sucked. royally. but I love Bette Midler and felt it was my duty to endure..) there was a scene between the (adult) adopted daughter and her adoptive mother where she describes why she wants her "own" baby and doesn't want to adopt. I've had that very conversation with my own adoptive mother countless times. ...Only I didn't have the backbone to admit that I saw the difference. For her sake, I let her believe that I saw nothing.

A friend of mine just recently had a baby. Her third - a girl. I watched her watch her. I saw them look at each other. It was different. And I remembered when my mother brought my little brother home from the hospital. My brother (also adopted) and I watched her carry him in in her arms. And we both just turned to each other and stared. We knew. It was different. But we said nothing. We didn't need to.

As a mother -- as a mother who adopted twice and gave birth twice -- how can you not notice the difference? Is it denial?

It has to be.

we'll sleep when we're dead

I am exhausted in every sense of the word. The transition from Philadelphia back to Connecticut has been a bit difficult, and moreso, the transition from "student" to "unemployed". Moving in was a chore. Living here seems to be a chore as well. The neighbors don't seem to like us very much, and minus my paranoia, actually seem to have it out for us. I think their issue is that we are two young girls living in a community of families and seniors. Recently, our garbage was rumaged through by a giant, not-so-friendly racoon who frequents our back porch. He tipped the cans and tore open two bags of trash, spilling it into our yard. Instead of alerting us - the tenants - to this fact, an anonymous neighbor took photographs and sent them to our landlord and property manager. We received numerous phone calls from the landlord and a visit in person from the property manager telling us that we were "off to a rocky start". I can't help but feel that we are being treated like the roudy children on the block. Since then, no one has spoken to us. My roommate and I wave to those we see as we pull in/out only to receive a cold stare. For those of you who know me personally, you will understand that this affects me deeply. There is nothing I hate more than feeling that I have disappointed someone to the point of being ignored.  There is a bad vibe in this neighborhood and it feels as though we have disrupted some cosmic ebb and flow by moving in.  

Between the search for a job that will pay the rent while I struggle to get my fledgling business off the ground, the feeling of being constantly watched and hated, and maintaining some semblance of a social life (one that won't disturb the neighbors, that is), I have found that I simply do not have time to be adopted. As if life were no exhausting enough. I was driving home from my a-mom's house yesterday afternoon; the sun was shining, the trees are blooming, I'm getting ready to host a housewarming/graduation party...and I realized that I haven't spoken to S* since before I graduated. I haven't heard from her - and while I think of her every day in one way or another, I hadn't had the time to really think of her.

It is impossibly hard to maintain healthy relationships with your a-family, who live 15 minutes away, and your first family...who are a 5 hour plane ride away. It's unfair. And it leaves me wanting so much more. I want to be able to have a passing thought of my mother during the day and call her and invite her over for dinner, or for coffee, or to go shopping with me to help me pick out a dress for a Friday night on the town.  

My roommate and her mother are very close. She accompanies us almost every weekend when we go out for cocktails and dinner. She comes with us to coffee, the mall, the movies, Saturday afternoon bumming around the house and eating pancakes at 3pm and doing laundry and napping in the sun. I love it. And I'm jealous of it.

I just want my mom. And I just don't have time to be adopted.