I just don't know...I can't put my finger on the exact..day..or month..or year when it happened. But...it's just a feeling to total..separation. I don't think we know each other anymore. Did we ever? I've asked myself that question innumerable times. But each time I come up with a different answer. The friendship was once completely selfless..and completely unconditional. Now I feel like..there is some unwritten criteria that I don't meet anymore.
There wasn't a secret in the world I wouldn't have shared. And this is not to say that there are now secrets, but it feels like a constant state of unknowing. And maybe there is nothing to know. It's just a strange feeling..to turn around and look back on what was and compare it to what is..and realize just how different things have become.
There was a time when I was so afraid of change that I'm sure I was suffocating. I would have done anything to make sure that nothing ever deviated from the ways I had once been set in. I've changed - we've both changed. Change is fine - change is good. But even after we promised to try..to make some semblence of effort to keep in touch - whatever medium - my palms are upturned and empty. And I'm struggling with myself as to what that means. I don't know what I'm asking. I don't know what I want - or if I want anything more than what it is. I'm just confused.
I feel like I don't fit into that "group" anymore. I don't even know what that "group" is, except that..I don't belong there..wherever "there" is. I just want answers. I want dialogue. I feel like I'm being avoided - like I'm a burden. I feel like I'm not immediately needed. Like a backup.
...a backup. I was a backup. They couldn't have their own child and I was their backup. Plan B. C, even. I...don't know why this is surfacing now...why it didn't dawn on me before. Maybe this isn't an issue of friendship or communication or wants or needs. Maybe it's something else. Maybe this is just another area of my life that adoption has spread to.
No comments:
Post a Comment